The Sound Police
some randomly circulated document, circa late 1980s.
John Kilgore knows who is responsible for this, but he won't tell me who it is.


Missed Pickup $ 20.00
Missed Tape Cue $ 20.00
Late Tape Cue $ 50.00
Early Tape Cue $ 75.00
Wrong Tape Cue $150.00
Going on an uncalled cue $ 10.00
Not going on an uncalled cue $500.00
Failure to bail out clueless stage manager $ 0.01
Unauthorized bailing out of clueless stage manager Ostracism
Failure to duck out offensive orchestral players $ 35.00
Failure to duck out offensive vocalizations $ 55.00
Feedback $100.00
Falling asleep at console $ 20.00
Feedback caused by falling asleep at console $150.00
Audible snoring at console $ 75.00
Making audible rude comments on the performance $ 5.00
Failure to maintain correct mixing levels $150.00
Failure to correct glaring errors caused by designer $ 50.00
Correcting glaring errors caused by designer LOSS OF JOB


Failure to mute faulty wireless $100.00
Failure to mute wireless when actor is not on stage $ 50.00
Failure to mute wireless while actor is in bathroom $ 2.00
Recording wireless while actor is in bathroom $ 0.00
Recording wireless while actor is gossiping $ 0.00
Self-serving use of wireless gossip $5000.00


Unauthorized use of wireless condoms $300.00
Recycling wireless condoms $300.00
Overzealous transmitter changes on opposite-sex cast members $ 69.00
Overzealous transmitter changes on same-sex cast members $ 66.00
Recycling batteries $ 20.00
Failure to recycle batteries $150.00
Failure to share vast wealth from recycling batteries with:
Contract Department Head Dismemberment
House Department Head Death
Stage Manager $ 5.00


Excessive whining $10000.00
Excessive cheerfulness $15000.00
Hiding/sleeping during load-in Electrocution
Hiding/sleeping during load-out Hanging


Delivery of caffeinated coffee to designer $ 150.00
Delivery of decaffeinated coffee to designer $ 5.00
Naming of sound effects with racial slurs $ 15.00
Inability to fix designer's computer problem $ 300.00
Inability to fix designer's friend's computer problem $ 500.00
Overzealous attention to opposite-sex cast members' microphone positions $ 69.00
Overzealous attention to same-sex cast members' microphone positions $ 66.00
Inattention to paperwork updates $ 5.00
Naming of SPX-990 programs in Japanese characters $ 104.16
Failure to repair designer's errors in system design before shop period $ 500.00
Failure to repair designer's errors in system design before load-in period $1000.00
Failure to repair designer's errors in system design before tech period $3000.00
Failure to mend feelings between operator and designer $ 10.00
Being over-obvious regarding personal opinions about designer's ideas or concepts $ 150.00
Building a better cue than the designer's original idea $3000.00
Pre-tuning of sound system with Nine Inch Nails or Rammstein $ 666.00
Spending inordinate amounts of time in the stage management office "xeroxing paperwork" because the intern is cute $ 20.00
Failure to appear caring when designer complains about life $ 300.00
Kissing producers' ass(es) more than designer $ 150.00
Falling asleep at production meetings $ 15.00


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96.4.16, 00.08.19

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