Rejected Lexicon PCM-81 Presets

Most sound recording and reinforcement folk will agree that the Lexicon PCM series of digital effects processors are some of the highest caliber effects units available on the market.

We think they'd be even better with these presets:

Patches have been contributed by Kai Harada, Nevin Steinberg, Allen Rowand,
Douglas Graves, John Kilgore, Brian Stillman, Colbert S. Davis IV,
Shannon Slaton, and Brian Shoemaker.
If you would like to add your own, e-mail kai!

P6 0.1 DRUNK % by Vol.
Patch it in and listen as your input becomes a stinking, slurring, New York drunk!
This is the patch you've never needed, but always wanted. Turns any program material into a retching, splashing festival of fun!
P6 0.3 HAIRBALL # Cats
Better than distortion, and easier than using a carbon microphone. Cats are assumed to be long-haired.
P6 0.4 VOICES IN MY HEAD # Personalities
Amplitude and pitch modulate this patch, which merely replaces program input with a variety of different phrases, including "SHUT UP!" "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" "WHATEV!" "LO-SER!" "STAB STAB STAB!" and "DIE DIE DIE!"
Modulates the timbre of every rhythmic syllable and produces a highly annoying French-Canadian accent, ensuring that intelligibility will be reduced to a minimum.
P6 0.6 INTERROGATION? Questionability
Modulates? the? timbre? of? the? end? of? every? word? and? adjusts? the? pitch? up? a? few? semitones?
Stop sampling those damned porno movies! Now you have a processor patch! Increase ASE (Apparent Sexual Excitement) with the flick of a button. Literally.
P6 0.8 YAMAHA Yamahaness
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss...
P6 0.9 BSS TCS-804 (none)
This patch will randomly affect the signal in three possible ways: the first type of processing leaves the signal untouched and unscathed. The second variant passes no signal at all, and the third variant spits out a rather large amount of random noise completely unrelated to the input signal. All parameters of the PCM-81 are reset to completely illogical factory presets upon recall of this patch.
P6 1.0 SONY WRT-860 Error
This patch will severely compress and roll-off high frequency information when an input signal greater than -40dBu (-27dBFS) is present. Upon recalling this preset, the display window on the Lexicon PCM-81 will shrink to a microscopically small size, ensuring that the user will be unable to see any of the fully-adjustable parameters.
This patch will modulate the input signal and chop it up into tiny chunks of data, which it will then recombine with delayed copies. If you like the sound of your 900-1800-1900MHz digital phone with bad reception, then this patch is for you!
P6 1.2 MYMONITORCONSOLE Moremoremore
Provides more of you, for you, at all times. Just you. Set to incrementally increase output amplitude over time without any user intervention. Can also reduce the level of them.
Does not process audio signal. The Lexicon PCM-81 display will display the likely amount of hours you have left to live. User-definable parameters, such as "fat intake", "stress level", and "work in theatre?" assist in providing a more accurate approximation.
P6 1.4 SUCK Tolerance
A gating preset, it scans input signal for frequency, frequency-to-time ratio, volume, and intelligibility. If signal is determined to be a load of crap, the gate slams down on it like a pack of dingos on a sick child. Not recommended for use with most musicals.
P6 1.5 (deleted) Rage
P6 1.6 THE CHICK Freq. Cutoff
Recall this preset and then watch as the input signal runs off with the effects unit in less time than it took for you to get to know the input signal in the first place. Note how infrasonic frequencies are boosted so as to emphasize a pounding sensation in the balls of the sound engineer.
This preset will process the input signal with a hall reverb, decide it's not happy with it, and switch to a chorus effect, get depressed and pass no signal for a while until the medication kicks in, will sob incoherently for a while, rendering any input useless, then switch to a snare plate, switch output level from +4 to -10, decide it's happier in mono, then decide that that was a bad decision and instead of switching back to stereo mode, will accept only AES/EBU signals, et cetera ad nauseam.
P6 1.8 LOLITA Age of Consent
This is the preset your mother warned you about. Preset scans input signal for the most nymph-like frequencies (relatively flat input signals preferred), removes that portion from the input signal, and runs away with it. May mute or distort unwanted, older input signals.
P6 1.9 THE CHICK #2 Stability
Takes the input signal and passes it happily and cleanly as long as the input signal is present. If input signal falls below a specified threshold, the preset gets annoyed and assumes that the input signal has been bussed to another PCM-81, gets jealous, and spits out random MIDI data in the hopes that it might thwart the other machine's processing.
Simultaneously removes all high-frequencies on a random basis at the mixing desk matrix outputs and restores these high frequencies at a later stage, bouncing them up down from the cluster to the front fills. Also ensures that your lead singer won't project beyond his feet.
Arbitrarily replaces one input signal for another, but leaves the output essentially unchanged.
P6 2.2 MUSIC VIDEO Length
With this setting the PCM-81 randomly chooses a song or piece of music from your production and plays it, in segments, over and over until it is so imprinted on your brain that even after you leave the venue you hear the song everywhere. All it takes is a simple noise source, running water, fans, air conditioners, etc. The song appears, and you are slowly driven mad.
With this new patch, even boring echo, reverb, and chorus effects can be made disgustingly complicated to use! This filter, applied to the front-panel controls, requires the user to tap the "tap" button exactly 46 times before the PCM-81 can recall this preset. After that, the user must rotate the "Adjust" knob exactly 27 clicks to the left, then 4 clicks to the right, then 27 clicks to the left, then 4 clicks to the right, before tapping the "tap" button 35 additional times. The patch will then be recalled for one-fourth of a second. The user must wash his or her hands six times before attempting to tap the "tap" button 46 more times to reengage the patch for four actual minutes. The display will then flash "Check Gas Stove!" exactly seventeen times before muting output, requiring user to start all over again.
When this versatile program is recalled on the PCM-81 and patched into the ClearCom system, it automatically translates the statements of important crew members into a language you don't understand. When it is patched into a monitor system, it delays the program material for each feed separately such that all dancing in the production looks poorly rehearsed. When it is patched into the mains system, it increases the amplitude of the program to such an excessive SPL that the audience becomes excessively enthusiastic about the under-rehearsed dance numbers. This program also makes the sound engineer responsibile for costumes.
This is the preset producers love! By patching your main matrix outputs through the PCM-81 and recalling this patch, the content, acting, directing, musicality, and general worthiness of your musical will improve according to the amount of money you physically throw at the PCM-81 (almost all currencies accepted; Euro support will follow with software revision).
P6 2.6 SUMMERSTOCK - $$$
When inserted into the mains, this patch will miss pickups, sweat-out microphones, generate Total Mixing Console Failure, switch your playback decks from "single" to "continuous", increase the adrenaline level of the producing director, generate a 4.5s Rt hall reverb for all dialogue, and insert a parametric equalizer on all music program so that no amount of system equalization will make the instruments sound like instruments.
This very special effects patch turns your input signal into a careening, smelly cab complete with random screaming outbursts in an unidentifiable foreign language! When the input signal is low, mumbled unintelligible conversation will be produced at the output, punctuated by occasional mobile telephone rings and repeated questions like, "Eight Avenoo?! You go Eight Avenoo and Fitty-SebEN?!!!"
thmrRmf Ffftththh pAthcfff mmmmD[crackle]EIGHTs mpLoottttoooo, fheeeeBaaakkk, fffffrrqNtthteeeeee, ddstrShhhhhnnn, hummmmmmmmmmm, PPTH!, n MbEeent noiZZ. CLICK!!!
P6 2.9 DRIVETHRU Fries?
Similar to P6 2.8, MTANYCSUBWAYPA, this patch distorts the input signal beyond recognition, but adds a hint of used grease and rotting flesh into the mix.
P6 3.0 SONOFSAM .44
Bark! Bark bark bark! Bark! Bark bark bark!! BARK BARK BARK!!!!!!
This suave and sophisticated patch stalks unwitting input signals at will, woos them, lulls them into a calm sense of complacency, comfort, and affluence, then abruptly and violently mutes them. Again. And again. And again. And again.
After processing the input signal with an annoying and low-class-sounding Texas drawl, this PCM-81 patch will then adjustify different syllables to unconformable English speech. Then, an AMPLITUDE AND TIME ... MODulatingor... WILL SPACE - AND - EMPHASIZE... the adjusticated WORDS... into various CAVES AND UNDERGROUND HIDEAWAYS, and will then... PROSELYTIZE... to ALL ADDITIONAL DEVICES ON THE MIDI CHAIN... IN ORDER to COMbat... the AXIS OF EVIL SPX-900 and M-5000s. Other MIDI devices will ignore the request, so the patch will singlehandedly ... WAGE WAR against the INFIDELS, before proclamoring that WE WON! But it doesn't actually affect the original signal at all.
This patch processes the input signal by taking the signal and adding an overt sexual innuendo, adjustable by the MPAA Rating parameter. For example, an input signal of "Hello, my name is Shannon," would provide the following results: PG: "I'd like to go on a date with you." PG-13 "I want to sleep with you." R: "I wanna ram you." NC-17: "I wanna ram you while gagging you with your own panties." German Scheiße Film: "I wanna ram you while your sister takes a steaming dump on my chest."
P6 3.4 FLAMINGQUEEN Flammability
Thith FABulouth PTHM-81 patch prothetheth the input thignal with the THUPER THIBILANTH algorithm! It'th fanTATHtic! The adjutht knob rangeth from "Butch" to "Chelthea" to "Broadway Danther" to "Village" to "Fem" to "Flaming." On "Flaming," every five wordth will be punctuated by three thnaps (you go girl!!). We bet you didn't know there were THAT many "s"eth in "Lexicon!"
Do not use on female vocals, or all high-frequency components in your sound reproduction system may explode or commit suicide.
P6 3.5 TESTOSTER-TONE inches
The opposite of the "FLAMINGQUEEN" patch, the Testoster-Tone patch puts the man back into the homo that doesn't have it in him (vocally speaking)! When you're teching a show with an actor who just can't leave the gay in the dressing room, this PCM-81 patch can help. Add macho by compressing emotional range, add masculine with the Testosterone Bass Multiply parameter, and pitch down that ultrasonic voice back into the normal frequency range of your equipment. The Testoster-Tone patch will also de-ethth voices to a degree-- too many ethes and the PCM-81 may overheat.
P6 3.6 ENUNCIATOR! BBC 1, 2, 3
Takes those darned mumbly actor voices and transforms them into pinnacles of English pronounciation, inflection, and accent, reforming maligned words, especially at the ends of sentences and those featuring lots of "r"s and "l"s. This patch will not, however, correct Japanese pronounciation.
Use this as an insert to your announce microphones to automatically mute the input signal whenever random banter, an open microphone, or nonsense is picked up at the input. Only work- or emergency-related signals will be allowed through. © 2004 Kai Harada. 27.11.2004; this site is in no way affiliated with Lexicon Pro, a Harman International Company, and no offense is meant to that corporation.
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